[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
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My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity