My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
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me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”