My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
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fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
🙅🏻
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.