ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
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To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.