psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
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My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.