[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
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Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.