Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
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I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
me after drinking all the wine:
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.