Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
You Might Also Like
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
decorating my apartment
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
🤣🤣🤣
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here