friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
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She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie