Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
You Might Also Like
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.