7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
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everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
#dalle2
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.