I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
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cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Aw man, but that’s the best part
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”