I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
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If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
i wish all
whales
a very
big
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Feels
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂