*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
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When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
a god among men
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
LA today:
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.