Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.