I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
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Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.