My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
You Might Also Like
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!