That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
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If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
incredible
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn