Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
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My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears