For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
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Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.