My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
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8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in