Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
You Might Also Like
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
What
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
#damn
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.