avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
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I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.