I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
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Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
The little toadstool has spoken.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…