When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
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Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
This cat wants you to take your pills
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”