I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
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[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Previously On Persistence 😎
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want