“OMGJK” -atheists
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Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
<—- homeless romantic
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
True
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries