She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
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[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
British websites use biscuits.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.