History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
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jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
There’s always that one guy
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.