Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
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it’s either covid or clever vampires
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Mad Max: Furry Road