[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
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My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I want this so bad
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Namaste
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”