Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
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How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea