Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
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Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.