*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
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[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.