ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
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*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
house sitting!
That was easy.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.