My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
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If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.