I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
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Welcome
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.