Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
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Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
You are what you delete.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on