Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
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iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.