Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
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Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.