*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
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My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I cannot call her anything else now
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Don’t tell me what to do
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.