McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
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me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.