Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
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I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles