5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
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[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up