I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
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Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Who does Amazon think I am?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.