Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
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I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet