I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
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First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.