Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
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Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.