Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
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If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.