“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
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*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).